Cyprus Mail
CM Regular Columnist Opinion

Go mad and vote in the EU elections

Voting for Outopos is a vote against all political parties

By Hermes Solomon

ALMOST TWO weeks ago I decided to undergo a ‘minor’ medical intervention that most men of three score years and ten plagued by ‘the condition’ must undergo if they are not to risk finding their lower parts permanently catheter attached in their mid-eighties.

I went privately for fear of having to wait a year or more for a public service hospital bed, which are now so overloaded that an elderly compatriot was kept on ward for 17 days suffering a simple ear infection, which could have been treated at home had home minor medical services existed like they do in most ‘advanced’ EU member states.

I just can’t wait for the National Health Insurance Scheme (GESY) to be introduced no matter its cost, but suspect our four major insurance companies (Universal, Atlantic, Cypralife, etc.) will continue ‘a mettre des bâtons dans les roues’ (artfully scuttle) its inception as they have during this past ten years, troika directive or not.

I was attached to ‘contraptions’ and held ‘prisoner’ in a single room, where I went slowly insane due to being ordered to lie flat and still after the op.

I had the choice between reading an ancient volume on the lives of great English poets, watching a wall mounted flat screen spewing Capitol ‘crap movies’ interspersed by ten minutes of adverts eternally engraving the name of Papantoniou on my mind or else watch Euro election unrepeatable ‘tripe’ delivered by all political party leaders proposing in excess of 60 candidates, some independent, all begging/imploring with Averof (DISY’s leader und jetzt meister propagandist) commanding citizens to vote in today’s EU elections, as if speaking at the Nuremburg rally.

Things must be really bad here when the only safe jobs on offer are in politics, ergo the huge TV coverage of what I regard as a taxpayer costly total non-event, and that followed by a daily step by step coverage of the ‘historic’ visit of somebody formerly known by as many Cypriots as the island of Cyprus is known by redneck Americans.

After two days of a ‘padded cell’ existence the boy set-up my laptop offering a selection of Mahler, Wagner and Alban Berg CDs to aggravate my increasingly depressive state or Debussy, Ravel and Fauré quartets (among my favourite pieces of musique de chamber and regarded as the purest of poetry for pseudo highbrow intellectuals, with which this country abounds, I being no exception) in the hope I would choose poetry above an imminent bi-polar disorder.

On day five I was ‘resurrected’, dangling at ground level a plastic bag of murky liquid, and escaped via the emergency staircase to the hospital forecourt for a smoke, where I was stopped by a man of an age just prior to that requiring my minor medical procedure. He looked at me askance and immediately questioned my origins.

After establishing that we were distantly related to one of the wealthiest families of the island, he proceeded to angrily relate his present woes.

Not surprisingly he’d got caught by the bail-in, which he called outright theft (he should have known better having been a banker in London during the 90s) to the tune of 75,000 euros and that his Cyprus estate agency, developer and holiday homes companies where all seriously in the red, and worse still the Inland Revenue was refusing to set his recent losses against former gains and were hounding him for whatever assets remained.

Throughout his tirade I sang in my head Act V, scene 2 of Purcell’s King Arthur, (libretto by John Dryden) – Wha…e…e…e…t power…e…e…e art…t…t…t…thou..ow…ow…ow, who…ou…ou…ou… from, etc.(made famous as the introduction logo for the Six Nation Rugby Tournament and well known by all lovers of the sport).

Too quietly flows the Don when little is known about what is really happening here to most small businessmen, who were baited by bankers to become financially overstretched in the last decade only to find those same bankers, which deceptively encouraged the ‘stretch’ and should instead be serving long stretches in jail, now snapping at the heels of SMEs.

Talking about heels, the forecourt acquaintance somewhere relation had stepped on a rusty nail while gardening and was hobbling into emergency at the time, fearing he’d contracted tetanus, saying it was the least of his worries what with ‘this lot’ of jokers in power.

I made it out and back home on early Thursday morning, just in time to compose this piece and will definitely vote today. Even my wife and the boy, both of Han Chinese origin but now with Cyprus citizenship, will also vote.

We have agreed that we will vote for the candidate who recently rode a donkey into Limassol, a farmer from Paphos, Outopos, alias Costa Kyriakou, who studied philosophy at the Aristotle University of Thessalonica. Aristotle’s genius was first appreciated by the 12th century Spanish-Arab philosopher Averroës and not the Cypriot 15th century historian, Machairas as I have been mistakenly told many times by pseudo-intellectual compatriots, whereas other compatriots believe Suleiman the Magnificent employed Aristotelian metaphysics, logic, ethics and aesthetics when introducing cultural and administrative reforms at the outset of the Ottoman ‘Golden Era’.

US vice president, Joe Biden also philosophises that Cyprus is now at the outset of its ‘Golden Era’, while Outopos philosophises when forking manure (where there’s muck, there’s brass) as well as speaking it. He freely admits he’s screaming mad, whereas the other candidates pretend to be something they are not at all – saviours. In reality, they talk as much ‘manure’ on how to save Cyprus as Outopos.

Voting for Outopos is a vote against all political parties, including ELAM, who expect to increase their share of the vote (comme toujours pour tous les ultra-nationalistes) during these meaningless elections, which encourage a huge number of abstentions or throw-away votes in the hope politicians in power sit up and fear for their jobs like most citizens of this ‘democracy’ do at present.

For pro-EU readers I have made a special effort to include as many EU member states, languages and personages as practical. Spot them if you can.

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