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OpinionTales from the Coffeeshop

Tales from the Coffeeshop: Fifika and Vathoulla predict…

Forewarned is forearmed: our predictions aim to help our customers approach the year with less stress and anxiety

By Patroclos

HAPPY NEW YEAR, even though I fear it is not going to be happy for many of us living in Kyproulla.

First and foremost there is a very real danger of the two amigos, agreeing a Cyprob solution that would be unfair and unjust for the Greek Cypriots, as it would dissolve the Cyprus Republic and give way, through virgin birth, to the Unites States of Kyproulla that will be nothing more than a Turkish protectorate masquerading as an independent state.

Then we have the departure of the troika in March which would mean the lunatics will take full control of the economy again and put it back on the road to destruction. The only hope is that the virgin birth would create another 10,000 public sector jobs – to ensure a more efficient mismanagement of the protectorate – which would necessitate the return of the troika in a couple of years.

To help our customers approach the leap year with a minimum of stress and anxiety we decided to recruit the services of a gypsy fortune teller named Fifika, who specialises in the future of countries rather than individuals. She had done work for several prestigious think tanks in the past, and had successfully predicted that AKEL would have hailed the Christofias presidency as a big success, long before it happened.

However, we did not rely exclusively on Fifika. We then had our own in-house coffee-cup reader, Vathoulla, carry out scientific testing of all the predictions to ensure Fifika had used the internationally accepted methodology and had not made them up. In the cases where she had described rather than named a personality we have guessed who she was referring to and put the name in brackets.

The two buddies from Limassol (Nik and Mustafa) will meet three times this month in the presence of an earnest-looking Scandinavian, wearing over-sized spectacles (Barth Eide). At the end of third meeting, they will have announced an agreement on the property issue and estimated the total amount needed for the compensation of owners who will not have their properties returned would be €40 billion.

This sparks celebrations by Greek Cypriots with property in the north as they are more than happy to stay in their homes in the south and get rich for doing so; they see it more as a reward than compensation. They even hold a demonstration demanding that their right of return must not be respected.

The IMF warned that if the compensation was paid out in one go it would cause hyper-inflation and create the biggest economic bubble in the history of Kyproulla bubbles. However this danger is only theoretical because the money for the compensation-payments does not exist. When this is revealed refugees hold a protest outside the presidential palace demanding their right to return is fully respected by the settlement.

The Scotch-drinker (Nik) meets representatives of the workers’ co-operative (EAC) and agrees a plan to fool the troika into giving the last tranche of assistance money, which is conditional on the privatisation of three SGOs. Nik promises the workers that as soon as the government receives the money, he would send a bill to the legislature cancelling privatisation and declaring all SGOs the property of their workers.

A new movement is created by politicians who fear their dreams of becoming president of the Republic would be thwarted by a settlement of the Cyprob (we can only guess she was referring to Lillikas, La Theocharous, Junior, Odysseas, Dr Lyssarides). The aim of the movement is to block a settlement at all costs and its slogan is ‘Better the president of half of Kyproulla than the rotating president of all of it’.

The movement wins the public backing of an ambassador who wears white jackets with epaulettes (Stanislav Osadchiy) after it campaigns for the establishment of a Russian military base in Paphos as a show of gratitude for Moscow’s principled stand against a settlement.

Kyproulla enters the Guinness Book of World Records for having the biggest number of cafes in the world as a proportion of its population. This is hailed as a big step forward after gaining entry thanks to the biggest sheftali and the biggest tashinopitta.

In his 35th exclusive interview with Phil, since being appointed health minister last July, (Giorgos Pamboridis) declares that there is no turning back on the national health scheme and its implementation will continue at the normal, snail’s pace favoured by nurses’ and doctors’ unions. The cancellation by the Tenders Review Board of the latest tenders’ procedure for the design of the scheme’s database software was considered a blessing in disguise by government sources.

Bad news from Brussels as the application for protected designation of origin for halloumi has stalled, because both sides want to change the agreement reached last July in a way that is unacceptable to the other. It is decided that the differences will be resolved at the talks with halloumi becoming another chapter in the negotiations.

All chapters of the Cyprob talks have been agreed and a conference with the participation of the guarantor powers has been arranged for April to discuss, territory and guarantees.

On the diplomatic front, the Talleyrand of the 21st century (Nik?) arranged another tripartite alliance, this time involving Jordan, Kyproulla and Greece, with the summit scheduled to be held later in the year.

The name of the new virgin birth state is announced. It would be called the United State of Kyproulla, even though there were reservations over its international abbreviation USoK, people could mockingly pronounce it as ‘you suck’. Young people love it as it would be a cool answer when someone asked them ‘where are you from?

The guy with the thespian qualities (Nik) celebrates the completion of three years in office and the departure of the troika by promising public parasites big pay rises and a reduction in working hours at the end of the year, in recognition of the great sacrifices they had made when the state was bankrupt.

Political unrest is brewing in anticipation of the Cyprob conference. A member of the Alliance of Citizens douses himself in petrol and lights himself up in protest against the unfair settlement that would prevent his leader from ever becoming prez. A blonde with a husky voice (Dr Theocharous) keeps warning that the deal would lead to Turkification and deprive Kyproulla of ever having a female president.

Meanwhile a spoilt arrogant brat (Ethnarch Junior) has been crying whenever he appears on TV over the imminent dissolution of the Cyprus Republic. He was following the formula of his father who had saved the Republic with his TV tears in 2004, but it does not seem to work this time round. A former prez with a fat behind (comrade Tof) has also joined the fray, boasting that when he was prez he had never agreed to five-party conference.

The Supreme Court issues its ruling about shop opening hours which finds that the members of the legislature are too immature and frivolous to have a say in any decisions of the executive. It listed a series of measures decided by the legislature that proved the inadequacy of its members, the overwhelming majority of whom had an Akelite mindset, which, according to the judges hid countless dangers for the country and our sanity.

Talleyrand of the 21st century was on an official visit to Syria where he tried to establish whether President Bashar al-Assad would be interested in him arranging a tripartite alliance of Greece, Kyproulla and Syria.

The conference takes place in Glion, Switzerland and the foreign ministers of Turkey, Greece and Britain are present as are the two friends from Limassol. There is a lot of haggling on territory and in the end Nik offers Paphos to the Turks in exchange for the Karpas peninsula which is unspoilt territory for our developers to destroy. The Turkish Cypriots have tried to, but have not been very successful. The compromise is accepted.

On the issue of guarantees there was major disagreement and for a while there are fears there would be no agreement. The Turkish Cypriots want Turkey’s full guarantee of the agreement, while Greek Cypriots will not hear of it. The British propose a 10-year guarantee, renewable for another 10 years, if at the end of the first decade the behaviour of Greek Cypriots was marked at below 8 out of ten by international observers. In the end something very complicated and as difficult to understand as an electrical appliance warranty, was agreed and it satisfied neither side, which was considered a fair outcome. There was a deal.

Back in Kyproulla, a crazy doctor with caveman’s beard (Marios Madsakis) came out of hiding to join the campaign for the ‘no’ vote as he had done in 2004. He camped out on the roof of the Shacolas building in Ledra Street and has promised to jump off if the Greek Cypriots voted ‘yes’ to the plan in the referendum scheduled for June, even if the Turkish Cypriots voted ‘no’. Dr Eleni visited him to show her solidarity, but told newsmen she would return to Brussels in the event of a ‘yes-vote’ and carry on serving the USoK as MEP.

EDEK members have been dousing themselves in petrol and lighting themselves up to show their opposition to the unjust settlement plan while Dikheads have been wearing t-shirts with the slogan ‘Save the Republic – Save rusfeti – vote no to dissolution’.

A political opportunist from Paphos (Lillikas) argues that we can avoid the unjust settlement and save the Republic from dissolution by offering to make it a province of Russia. Union with Mother Russia would be the best guarantee of our future, as it would preserve Hellenism on the island. He had talked about the option with Ambassador Osadchiy, who said that if our government asked Moscow to annex the Republic, he was certain President Putin would oblige.

A Botox expert (Sizopoulos) also thinks this a great idea and offers to throw in a free Botox treatment to Putin as part of the deal. The village idiot (everyone knows who that is) calls a news conference to express his disagreement with AKEL’s support for the settlement, urging everyone to ‘vote no to cement our unification with Mother Russia.’

A minister with a moustache (Hasikos) was reported to have physically attacked an independent official with a beard (Odysseas) outside a fashionable Nicosia restaurant. The moustache apparently had thrown the beard to the ground and was punching him until his chauffeur intervened. Hasikos had lost it as soon as he saw Odysseas, because a day earlier the Supreme Court announced that his complaint that the auditor-general was overstepping his powers was groundless. He won the brawl against the younger man, but Odysseas reported to incident to the papers, informing them that Hasikos had violated the procedure for punch-ups and would be investigated by his office.

This is where our scientific predictions for 2016 end. Fifika demanded more money than the initial fee agreed to do the rest of the year, calculating that we would be willing to pay extra to get the result of the referendum. But she was wrong in thinking we cared.

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