Cyprus Mail
OpinionTales from the Coffeeshop

Tales from the Coffeeshop: Forget the mini-NHS, how about a mini-settlement?

By Patroclos

THE SETTLEMENT of the Cyprob is not the only thing we have to look forward to this year. In a little over six months, the memoirs of Comrade Tof will be published. Tof said he has almost finished the book, but its content would be discussed with his friends and advisors before it is edited and sent to the printer.

“In the book I will say a many truths based on my 50 years in political life,” Tof said in an interview he gave to Sigmalive. The interviewer did not ask if he would also say a few lies, preferring instead to ask “what truths?” The smug, smirking comrade refused to take the bait, showing that he has some marketing savvy.

“I would destroy the book’s prospects, if I told you,” he said indicating that despite his commie beliefs he wanted to make some cash from it to supplement his state pension of a paltry five grand a month. It is a pity as he would be barring the poor that could not afford to buy it from reading about the many truths he will say.

What truths, would the Tof opus contain, that he hasn’t already said – truths about his favourite food, his sex life, his sham PhD in history or his rusfeti record? The truths about his infallibility, statesmanship, undying love for mother Russia and delusions of adequacy we already know about.


MANY TRUTHS were said during his interview as well. He expected AKEL – “the most democratic party in Cyprus” – to have a very good showing in the parliamentary elections as long as the leadership “managed to reverse the distorted view created among the people about the five years of my government which was very good for the Cyprus problem and socio-economic issues.”

He had no doubt that “we could have got out of the crisis if it had not been for the unacceptable theft of the banks.” The distorted view was down to the “crippling” criticism he faced from the media which “played a very negative role during my government.” They saw “nothing good,” but it “was big capital and big banking capital which has a huge responsibility for the bankruptcy of the country and not my government.”

Like all the infallible, he had no regrets. He said: “I want to say I feel proud for my contribution to the party and the country and everyone will be judged… I said history would vindicate us and it has started to vindicate us. It is happening.

“People have started to understand who was to blame for the crisis and how we handled the Cyprus problem and people. We brought in social and economic rights for people and others are taking them away.”

Asked about the “success story” the current government was boasting about he said: “Do you know what their success is? To take the bite of food from the mouth of the ordinary man and give it to the banks and businessmen.” There will be many more such truths in his book.


THE ONLY new thing he said was about his recently re-married comrade Nicos Katsourides who was expelled from the party last year. Tof explained that “whoever violates the principles of the party or turns against the party” was dealt with mercilessly. “The party is a steamroller that passes over everyone” that ignored its principles, he said.

“If Nicos wanted to continue he should have respected the principles of the party,” he added before explaining what principle he had violated. “He saw it fit to be the cause for the imprisonment of a totally innocent comrade and he knew this very well. This says a lot.”

He was referring to Venizelos Zannetos, AKEL’s financial controller, who was sentenced to jail for his role in the Dromolaxia CyTA scam.

AKEL have always maintained he was innocent because the backhanders he took through blackmail were for the party (stealing for the party is another AKEL principle) and not for himself. But if Tof knew that an innocent man went to jail because of some trick pulled by Kats (had he framed him?), why did he not inform the police or the attorney-general?

Surely the principles of AKEL dictated that he should have gone to the police to prevent a miscarriage of justice and the imprisonment of a totally honest comrade, while the cause walked free.


FOR AS long as he was party boss and president the comrade was the loyal promoter of Soviet/Russian interests in Kyproulla. Now that his political life has ended his role appears to have been taken over by the illustrious Yiorkos Lillikas, who has the professional advantage of being a marketing man.

The principled Paphite regularly meets up with mother Russia’s ambassador Stanislav Osadchiy and makes statements to the press with him, he has campaigned for military facilities, he constantly demands closer relations and has urged the government to vote against sanctions at the EU.

Last week, Lillikas met up with his fellow traveller in the north, Afrika publisher, Sener Levent to tell us what kind of settlement the island’s Russia fans dreamed of. Levent dreams of the same settlement as Lillikas – the type that would never happen because he is the only Turkish Cypriot who supports it.

All Russia loyalists in Kyproulla are opposed to a settlement that is achievable, because the maintenance of the status quo suits their mummy better.


SOVIET-EDUCATED Levent has remained loyal to the Kremlin, still repeating the Cold War rhetoric with which he was brainwashed when living in socialist paradise. So after meeting his fellow-fighter last Tuesday, Levent gave the Soviet line on the Cyprob that not even Akelites use nowadays.

“The solution of the Cyprus problem is not in the hands of Turkey, Greece or the Cypriots. The key to the solution is in the hands of America and Britain. All our problems are because of these two big states. For 42 years they are keeping Cyprus divided. Despite the many changes internationally, in Cyprus there is no change because they are happy with the regime they have imposed.”

The long-lasting effectiveness of the brainwashing administered by the Soviet Union on all the foreigners it educated at its universities is really impressive. Despite the collapse of the USSR 25 years ago, the anti-West programming of Levent’s brain remains intact.


THE UPGRADING of Mustafa Akinci at Davos was also the result of a conspiracy, according to Ethnarch Junior, although he did not specify if it had been plotted by the Anglo-Americans. All he was prepared to say was that the “stage was set in Davos for the upgrading of Mr Akinci.”

To be fair to Junior, Mustafa looked very upgraded – almost as upgraded as an iPhone 6S Plus – on the podium he shared with prez Nik and the chairman of the World Economic Forum Klaus Schwab in Davos. It was as if he were a real head of state just like our Nik.

What should have worried us more was that Espen Barth Eide pointed out that they were on the panel as leaders of the two communities. Now that was a blatantly provocative downgrade of Nik. It was scandalous that the president of a recognised state was introduced as a leader of a community – our iPhone 6S downgraded to an iPhone4 – in Davos.

None of the defenders of the Republic said anything about Nik’s downgrading, even though this was what the stage had been really set for in Davos, according to a spokesman for the Association of Anglo-American Conspiracies against the Cyprus Republic.


JUNIOR, despite being upset about the upgrading, made a positive contribution to the efforts for a settlement on Friday, when he came up with a quite brilliant proposal that would eliminate the need of €30 billion as property compensation.

If all the properties were returned to their rightful owners, nobody would have to be compensated and we would not need all those billions, he pointed out. All refugees would thus be able to return to their homes even if they did not want to.

His brilliant plan left one question unanswered. If on the land someone had illegally built a house, a hotel or an airport what would be done? We could demolish anything built after 1974 so the refugees could be given back their land as it had been before the invasion.

I am certain, in the coming weeks, Junior will provide details of how his proposal to turn Kyrenia into a tiny town again could be implemented.


AT THE MEETING with Ban Ki-moon and Mustafa, Nik took a four-page document which reportedly contained all the points he wanted to make. Apparently there were still many unresolved issues at the negotiations which Nik wanted to inform Ban about. If there are as many difficulties as people are claiming it might be an idea to do what the government has done for the national health scheme. We could have a mini-settlement as a start and hope the real one would follow in a decade or two.


HAVING investigated the collapse of the economy and the banking system our deputies are now investigating the collapse of Cyprus Airways. It is unbelievable that there are people in Kyproulla, and especially in the legislature that do not know why the national carrier went bankrupt.

It was being plundered for decades by the unions and the parties, run by boards of self-serving and clueless party appointees and served as a source of well-paid jobs for party loyalists who could not get well-paid work anywhere else. And when the state could no longer pump money into it, it went bust.

In its heyday, the airline had about 4,000 employees and 10 planes. Compare this with Ryanair which today has more than 300 planes and about 10,000 employees. Cyprus Airways had 400 employees per plane and Ryanair about 33.


TOURISM benefited from the closing down of Cyprus Airways, despite the oft-repeated claim that Kyproulla’s tourism would suffer without a national carrier. Without one in 2015, we had the biggest number of visitors for 15 years, because there are now more airline seats available to and from Cyprus.

The CTO has tried to take credit for the increase in arrivals playing down all other factors such as the strong sterling, terrorist attacks in rival destinations and the problems of the Greek economy. Such an opportunity for the CTO to claim it knows what it is doing could not be allowed to pass unexploited.

But the CTO, being a party run organisation, has similarities to the national carrier. Recently it decided to re-open an office in Brussels, which had been closed down a while earlier because the head honchos had decided there was no need for it. Recently the CTO management decided there was a need for a Brussels office because some well-connected individuals wanted to work in Brussels.

The under-secretary to the president stopped it from happening, which is something. If tourist arrivals decline this year it would because the CTO does not have a Brussels office.

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