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Opinion Tales from the Coffeeshop

Tales from the Coffeeshop: New fantasy, old lunacy

MORE appropriate names for the New Strategy on the Cyprob unveiled by Nikolas 2018 on Friday, would have been new fantasy, old lunacy, political wet dreams of an adolescent, 50 ways to keep Turkish troops in Kyproulla forever, a new national saviour is born, victory is ours because stupidity always triumphs.

The inspiration for the new strategy, although Junior did not mention it in his presentation, could only be the late great Spy Kyp. This may be because Junior was just a boy when Spy was president and forged his national liberation strategy, which envisaged an unyielding struggle for the return of all refugees to their homes and complete withdrawal of occupation troops among other things.

His strategy for achieving these objectives was the same as the new strategy announced by Junior on Friday. Spy set conditions for participating in negotiations that he knew the Turks would never accept, pursued an assertive diplomacy aimed at imposing a cost on Turkey for its occupation and boosted defence spending, not just for the kickbacks, but so he could hold military parades.

Today’s military parade marking independence day was established as an annual fixture by Spy. But apart from the parade we must now also be grateful to him for Junior’s new strategy of which he was, without a shadow of a doubt, the inspiration. He may have been a bit of a lunatic but when it came to strategies for not solving the Cyprob, Spy was untouchable.

JUNIOR’S strategy, which is a litany of wishful thinking, sets targets he knows cannot be achieved through negotiations because the Turkish Cypriots would never accept them.

These include no political equality, deportation of all settlers, no rotating presidency, all users of Greek Cypriot properties to move out, preservation of the Cyprus Republic, withdrawal of occupation troops before a settlement referendum etc.

With such an agenda he would not be able to secure the resumption of the talks at which he would negotiate all the Turkish concessions that would lead to the fair, just and workable settlement that he dreams of. I suspect he will only go to the negotiating table once he has brought Turkey to her knees economically by raising the cost of her occupation to such an unaffordable level Ankara would be forced to make big concessions in the Cyprob to avoid bankruptcy.

Raising the cost of the occupation for Turkey is a major part of the new strategy although it was pursued in the past. Yiorkos Lillikas also used this tactic when he was the Ethnarch’s foreign minister, but just as the cost of the occupation began to cripple Turkey, his boss lost the elections and our advantage was gone.

Meanwhile, as part of the new strategy, Junior also promised to increase defence spending from 0.3 per cent of the budget to 2 per cent, not exclusively for military parade reasons. And the Archbishop will lead national prayers, asking the Almighty that the cost of the continuing occupation will bankrupt Turkey before Kyproulla. The prayers were not in the new strategy.

ON A MORE serious note, you have to ask who drafted this laughable strategy. Did Junior get help from his kids and his mum? Reports suggest it was put together by his nerdish advisor Chrysis Pantelides, who worked for his dad and is the director of the foundation that promotes the greatness of Tassos Papadopoulos.

There was a tell-tale sign in the strategy, indicating the perfect settlement that Junior will secure will not happen any time soon. He proposed that part of the revenue from the hydrocarbons would go to a special fund for the financial support of refugees so they would not apply to the pseudo-commission for property in the north for compensation.

It might be four or five years, at the earliest, before there is any revenue from the hydrocarbons. Would his new strategy not have ensured the return of the refugees to their houses and the withdrawal of settlers and occupation troops by then? Perhaps not, because he also warned Turkey he would “freeze any negotiation procedure in the case of serious provocations in the Cypriot EEZ.” It will be interesting to see how he will freeze a procedure that will not exist because the conditions he will set guarantee there will never be one.

The nerdish advisor will have to think of alternative retaliatory measures for the serious provocations.

THE TRUTH is that the new strategy has only one objective – avoiding a settlement. ‘If I cannot dictate my terms to the Turks, then I do not want a deal,’ is Junior’s philosophy, which is what you’d expect from a spoiled rich kid that always got his way.

I suspect Junior wants to keep the Cyprob unsolved for family reasons. One of his kids might want to become president one day and will need an unsolved Cyprob to have a chance of being elected. He would not even need a new strategy as he could use his dad’s, which will be as useful in 30 years as it is today.

STAYING on fairy tales, you had to admire the excuse offered by God-fearing government spokesman Nicos Christodoulides for the foreign ministry directive ordering airport cops to bar entry to non-EU nationals with bookings in hotels in the north owned by Greek Cypriots.

Christodoulides told a radio show that the reason for the foreign ministry’s directive was the fear that the Greek Cypriot owner of the property might sue the government for allowing a tourist to stay at his stolen hotel. Not even the simpletons who took Junior’s new strategy seriously would buy this pathetic explanation.

How would the Greek Cypriot owner know that an Israeli or Lebanese tourist had stayed at his hotel in the north and sue the government? What about all the EU nationals that stay at Greek Cypriot-owned hotels in the north and are not stopped from going there by our state? How many law-suits have been filed against the government so far?

Surely, if the airport cops did not ask tourists where they would be staying on the island, the state would not be liable. I think the church-going Nicos tells the whole truth only when he is speaking on behalf of prez Nik.

HIS DEPUTY Victoras, who is not as smart, came up with another gem last week when asked about the informal document about the mechanism for the implementation of a settlement that was submitted by the UNSG at the last supper. Victoras said Prez Nik could prove that the document was not related to the abolition of guarantees. The prez would prove this at Monday’s national council meeting, he said. He did not say whether the prez would use mathematical equations to prove this or opt for his favoured scientific method of proof, which involves the selective use of information nobody else has access to.

Prez Nik in Crans-Montana with the Turkish foreign minister

THE RELEASE of the UNSG’s report on his good office’s mission means that poor old Prez Nik will have to prove all over again that Turkish intransigence was exclusively to blame for the collapse of the process in Crans-Montana.

UNSG Antonio Guterres failed to endorse Nik’s version of events in the eagerly-awaited report, mentioning nothing about Turkish intransigence while blaming the two sides equally for lacking the political will for an agreement and “missing a historic opportunity.”
Will he publicly declare Guterres a liar, as he did Espen Barth Eide, or will he get Greece’s foreign minister Nicos Kotzias to accuse the UNSG of being a lobbyist for Turkey? He may go for the more diplomatic approach, making it known that Guterres’ biased and untrue report had been drafted by the Turk-loving liar Eide.

SPEAKING of Eide, you had to laugh at the front-page report in Phil about the Norwegian government blocking the purchase of military equipment by Kyproulla. The deal was signed with a British company but Norway refused to grant an export licence for the equipment once it found out the recipient would be Kyproulla.

The British company said it did not know what led the Norwegian company not to issue the export licence. Reading the report you knew Eide would be blamed and he was. In the last paragraph of the report Phil said: “Members of the government and parties say that the reasons are political and point a finger at the Norwegian Special Envoy of the UNSG Espen Barth Eide. The sale was blocked when talks were at their peak and Eide was seeing the stars aligned.”

Spending taxpayers’ money: Zeta Emilianidou

SOME members of the Council of Ministers were taken by surprise at Wednesday’s meeting when labour minister Zeta Emilianidou came up with several proposals for wasting a little more of taxpayers’ money. She was obviously acting on instructions from Nik to find some clever ways to buy votes.

Her main proposal would cost the taxpayer an extra €4m a year for three years and involved paying unemployed law graduates €650 per month to receive the one-year work practice required to become qualified lawyers. This means law firms, which are among the richest businesses in Kyproulla, would pay nothing for their trainees as the taxpayer would be picking up the bill and Nik the votes of the unemployed law graduates.

POLITICAL incorrectness is alive and well at the CyBC. On Monday night the divvy sports reporter Andreas Poyiadjis told television viewers that “nagging by women causes cellulite.”

To his credit, Poyiadjis is a bit of a clown and does not take himself very seriously, something that cannot be said of his insufferably, self-important colleague Yiannakis Nicolaou, a TV news boss. Nicolaou, an unreconstructed Paphite, tweeted the other day that “if C. Christofides (UCy rector) stands as a candidate in the presidential elections and receives more than 1% I will withdraw and engage in amateur fishing.” I hope Christofides will stand, get more than one per cent and Nicolaou will keep his promise, sparing us the ordeal of having to see his self-satisfied Paphite mug ever again.

A COUPLE of weeks ago, we wrote that Prez Nik was photographed kissing his new pet dog Freed, not so much because he was a dog-lover but because he was interested in the animal-lovers’ votes. He also recruited the leader of the Animal Party as an advisor on pet matters.
Not to be outdone, a few days later Junior had a meeting with the union of animal protection groups known as Voice of Animals. He presented his proposals regarding a co-ordinated policy for the welfare of animals and the establishment of a ‘police for animals’, which “will have executive powers so as to implement the relevant legislation.”

I bet his policy on animals will win him more votes than his new strategy on the Cyprob. The Pancyprian association of Pet Detectives, will issue a declaration of support for his candidacy next week.

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