Sir, I am writing to inform you that I shall be 90 years old on July 13. I have been in Cyprus a number of years and my time on this earth is nearly over, and it is my heartfelt wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered on this island. I do not wish to take up a piece of land and deprive a Cypriot of that land.
What I would hope to do in writing this letter is for you to make it known in no uncertain terms that you would like to see a crematorium and a garden of rest to go ahead as soon as possible.
You may say, Sir, that you have no influence whatsoever in that decision, but you know as well as I do that nothing moves on this side of the island without your say so.
A nod from you, Sir, in the right direction, will get things moving pretty damn quick I feel sure. And if there is life after death as deeply religious people like you say there is, and as I then will meet the being responsible for my soul long before you will, Sir, I shall make it known in no uncertain terms about your help and participation in this long-running saga.
Your servant, Sir, in anticipation,
Norfolk Dumpling (Name and address supplied)