Cyprus Mail

Dear Patroclos…

Men in a coffeeshop watching Tassos Papadopoulos' famous television address when he urged Greek Cypriots to vote No to the Annan plan

Dear Patroclos

Since you have given me so many laughs over the years I thought I might
return the favour.
“Teresa May is to take a sabbatical in the Nicosia buffer zone as the first
recipient of a new grant-aided postgraduate degree course  on how to delay
a settlement for 44 years.
Mrs May said that she would leave the country in the capable hands of
Buckingham Palace, adding: “The Royals are much better suited than I to
find investors to keep the ship afloat and I will be back at the helm next
September armed with valuable experience from global experts.
“Hopefully we will also get a good shot at the hydrocarbons here so that we
don’t have to frack the fuck out of our voters.”
The new EU funded course is set to start in January and will be supervised
by the UN Peacekeeping Forces in Cyprus, Unficyp, who are soon to move out
of their Ledra Palace Hotel headquarters.
The curriculum will include practical workshops with experts in wingeing,
coming up with any excuse for another free meal or conferences in New York
and Brussels, and the mechanics of new Red, White and Blue Line regulations.
Dean, Nic Take –an-Aspiriniadis, said that members of the Dickhead,
Greenwash and  Freedom from Democracy parties would join forces with Derviş
the Whirler, Hüseyin Uzgargler and Zorba the Torba to share their valuable
hands-on experience.
Maronite and Armenian representatives will also be recruited to advise
Scotland, Wales and Ireland and an RR Dikilitaş award will be handed out
every year for the best medical reason not to sign on the dotted line.
Mrs May said that she could provide a new base for the force which will be
composed of the same UK sales managers and part-time Territorial Army
officers who have done duty on the island.
She envisaged a luxury base for the force somewhere in the Channel Tunnel at
about the halfway mark which will come a poor second to their current home
on the Eastern Mediterranean island.
A UN spokesman said that they were more than willing to provide piles of
resolutions which could be comfortably ignored for years.
Soon to be redundant British academics rushed to sign up for positions at
Homes for Non Co-operation which are due to be set up in Dover and Calais.
The Homes will train an army of bureaucrats who will be required to write
endless Notes Diplomatiques to derail any positive developments and draft
meaningless agreements designed to self-destruct within three weeks.
A new politically correct language will also be devised for any
communications which will be vetted by five tiers of specially trained eagle
eyed secretaries, translators and PR officers.
Technology will also play its part as bots will trawl all communications to
eliminate keywords like Brexit, Farage, Ukip, the City of London and
Cheddar Cheese.”

Anne Veronica Mosley, via email