The idiosyncrasies of Cyprus in song

A musical duo have come together to make audiences laugh. They are going from strength to strength finds ALIX NORMAN

‘Some doctors like you flat on your back, When they go for the rummage. Some have a chair with your legs in your air, And that takes a fair bit of courage…’

Songs about pap smears are not the norm, especially in Cyprus. But one Paphos-based comedy duo is bringing light-hearted musicality to the annual smear – and a lot more besides!

“‘The Smear Song’ is about what women go through each year for their pap test,” explains Melanie Ballard who, with Louise Vreony, is one half of The Holy Miss Flaps. A musical comedy duo who “present a light-hearted take on embarrassing, amusing, or weird things we’ve all been through at one time or another”. They’re both singers by profession but also love to make people laugh and, on the strength of their combined talents, launched their comedy act in early 2021.

Ever since, they’ve been a hit with local audiences – “expats for the most part, because we have a very British sense of humour,” says Melanie. “But we do also get more than a few locals coming along to our shows” – who thrill to the ladies’ take on everything from naked sunbathers to expat forums.

“We’ve written about the people of Paphos – basically the characters who go to the same pub every day, sit in the same chair, and drink the same beer. We’ve got a song about driving in Cyprus. And one that’s based on the Hokey Cokey that was written towards the end of lockdown, when the restrictions were changing so quickly nobody knew if they were in or out!”

Both Melanie and Louise have lived in Cyprus for decades – Louise is, herself, half-Cypriot. And both absolutely love the island, eccentricities and all. “But sometimes,” says Melanie, “you need to poke fun at the weirder local experiences; our audiences do tend to understand what we mean when we sing about the local online forums…”

‘Ask Anything Paphos is where you go to find, Some help on local matters from those who can spare the time. It’s where an innocent question for a helpful point of view, Turns into a full debate of people with nothing better to do!’

“Or,” she adds, “when we sing about how local smear tests seem to be much more in-depth than anything you’d find on the NHS…”

‘In Cyprus it’s a little more thorough. An extra probe and some jelly. And you get a special five minutes of fame when you see your insides on the telly!’

“A lot of these original songs” – both Melanie and Louise collaborate on music and lyrics – “are drawn from our personal experiences, or the experiences of friends,” she continues. “and they’re not all about Cyprus. We’ve got songs on dating when you’re older, songs about other people’s kids, songs that talk about the evolution of text speak. There’s one about embarrassing situations: waving at a stranger whom you think you know; dropping food down your top on a date; sending a text to the wrong person – things we’ve all done and regretted!

“And that, I think, is what really resonates with our audiences, who range from stag and hen parties to pub and bar patrons. We’re writing and singing about incidents to which we can all relate; day-to-day life experiences that we all share and perhaps wish we didn’t!”

To date, the duo done have close on 12 shows, beginning with a sold-out performance at the Mulberry Terrace in May 2021. “Louise and I had often talked about forming a musical duo,” Melanie reveals. “We’re both on the same circuit, often performing at weddings and events, and we share a sense of humour. But it wasn’t until lockdown that we had enough time on our hands to actually make the duo happen. We emailed back and forth, writing lyrics and music, and by the time people were beginning to come out and socialise again, we were stage-ready…”

Although amusing, the songs are never malicious, says Melanie. In ‘The Smear Song’, we have a few lines saying ‘It’s a really unpleasant procedure, but so important to do – make sure you take care of you!’ And that’s indicative of what we’re trying to do: get people laughing, but also thinking.”

Drawing on comedic influences such as Fascinating Aida and Victoria Wood, the two are currently enjoying considerable success in Paphos. But in time, they hope to take their act a little further afield. “Now people are comfortable getting out and about again,” says Melanie, “we’d like to expand to Limassol or Napa. And I guess the dream is to perform at comedy festivals abroad – though that’s not something we’ve even started looking into just yet.”

For the time being, The Holy Miss Flaps – “named for our naughty sense of fun!” – are proving a hit with Paphos audiences; though always those over the age of 18. “Some of the language we use and the themes in our songs are very adult,” Melanie warns, “so we do always provide a disclaimer on our posters and at the start of every show. We have had a few people who have admitted this sort of humour just isn’t for them. But for the most part, it’s been a fairly awful few years for all of us, and there’s no better remedy than a good laugh.

“Bringing complex or embarrassing issues into the open, with added humour and a catchy musical element, often takes the weight off things we all struggle with,” she concludes. “We’re poking fun at ourselves, our lives, and our situations in everything we perform. But we’re also letting our audiences know they’re not alone – we’re all in this together, whether that’s being sworn at while driving, wondering what on earth our kids mean when they text YOLO, or trying to find a date when you’re over 50. To be honest, if our Smear Song persuaded just one woman to brave the embarrassment and go for that pap test, then that’s worth all the laughs in the world!”

For more information, visit the Facebook page ‘The Holy Miss Flaps’