The plot of every Hallmark holiday movie ever made

They may be hackneyed but the sheer number of schmaltzy festive films shows they have a market says CONSTANTINOS PSILLIDES

It’s the holiday season. People are somewhat happier, there’s a strange feeling of optimism in the air, EOD now stands for End of December and everyone is just waiting for this month to come to an end so they can have an excuse to day drink. If you have browsed through your favourite streaming site, you are sure to have noticed an avalanche of Christmas movies. They all star people you barely recognise, the female lead wears red while the male lead wears green and they are posing in front of a Christmas tree. Sometimes there’s a dog involved. If not a dog, a child. And the title is usually a pun related to Christmas such as Holidate, Knight Before Christmas or Mingle All The Way. All of these are actual movies.

By the way, I’m still waiting on my holiday script about two sentient herbs that fall in love but are in danger of being used for a recipe for beef Wellington but are saved at the last minute by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Chrustmas Thyme is a passion project. Netflix, call me.

Hallmark, the card-making company, produced a huge chunk of those movies for its channel and it became somewhat of a TV industry joke. Over the years though other studios saw the benefit of mass-producing low-budget movies for people who would probably watch them just because you snuck a ‘Christmas’ in the title.

In case you happen to have missed part of the movie, have no fear. We are here to give you the plot of every single holiday movie ever made.

Amber (there’s always an Amber) is a successful businesswoman in a big city.

She is either a) a high-flying lawyer who is about to become a partner if she agrees to do something shady b) an advertising agency executive on the verge of landing that major account if she agrees to do something unethical or c) a Wall Street stockbroker who needs to invest her clients’ portfolio on greedy Big Bad Corporation (no name given, let’s all assume is Disney) or Family Oriented Medium Business with values.

Amber is happy with her life and glad she got away from that little, sleepy town she was born in. But GASP something happens, and she is forced to return to her hometown for the holiday season.

The small town looks like something taken straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Picturesque, quaint, decorated with huge lights and huge Christmas trees, not a meth lab in sight. The people are friendly, wholesome, welcoming, and with perfect teeth.

Right about now one of her friends expresses abject horror at her hometown not having a specific franchise, to establish that he/she grew up in the city and doesn’t know how small towns work. This is done for comedic effect and it’s as funny as stubbing your toe on the coffee table.

This is the point where we meet the male lead, Jack/George/Charles (everyone calls him Charlie). The first time they meet Amber has just embarrassed herself (slipping on snow usually) and it takes her a couple of seconds to understand that this handsome, burly, square-jawed man is a former romantic interest/schoolmate.

Amber has no time for Jack though. She needs to make the Important Decision back in the Big City. Something happens in the small town though and Amber and Jack need to team up to resolve it. They don’t want to, but someone’s got to do it. While working together, Amber and Jack warm up to each other and Amber starts gaining a new perspective for small-town life.

At some point, both Amber and Jack reach for the same item, their hands touch, they lock eyes and sparks fly. Then one of them awkwardly says “I have to go” or “I forgot about something” and leaves while stealing glances.

What is happening to Amber?! Is she falling in love? She can’t! She can’t stay here! Big Bad City is waiting for her. She suddenly remembers she needs to make the Big Decision and calls her boss/personal assistant to tell him/her that she can’t do it. Jack now returns with a very meaningful gift for Amber and hears half the conversation, thinking that Amber is just another one of those soulless people in the Big Bad City. Amber tries to explain herself but Jack leaves into the night. Amber decides to go and confront him, but she gets lost in the snowstorm/forest. Jack returns to the house to talk with Amber but she is nowhere to be found! Alas! At that moment Goldie (the golden retriever) pulls him from the sleeve and takes him directly to Amber to save her! They finally kiss and Amber decides to abandon her previous life and become a part of the small-town community, running a hotel/B&B/Veterinarian hospital with Jack.

The end.