From childhood trauma to emotional freedom

I first met Thomas when we were children, playing in the park in our neighbourhood. Even back then it was clear that he was different to other kids. While the rest of us laughed and ran around freely, Thomas always seemed uptight and nervous. He would jump at sudden noises, and his eyes constantly darted around as if expecting something bad to happen. When someone accidentally bumped into him, he would freeze waiting for something more to happen. It was obvious that Thomas carried a heavy burden of fear and anxiety, though none of us understood why at the time.

Thomas never understood how his childhood trauma shaped his emotional responses. Significant events, both internal and external, would trigger strong emotional reactions. For instance, strong male child playing nearby in the playground, he would immediately feel anxious. I didn’t understand this at the time but after some research I came to the conclusion that Thomas had anxiety that followed a three-step process: the play and accidental pushing in playground (trigger), his body tensing up (action preparation), and his mind recalling being pushed around by his elder brother and being unsupported by adults (interpretation). These emotional reactions, like the weather, were always present and changing, influencing his moods and feelings.

The fight-or-flight response

As a child, Thomas experienced frequent bullying, which activated his fight-or-flight response. This ancient survival reflex prepared him to either confront the threat (fight) or escape it (flight). As he grew older, he was able to confront bullies. When an argument would emerge with what seemed to be an alpha male, Thomas’ heart would race, adrenaline would flood his body, and blood would rush to his muscles, readying him to run or defend himself. Thomas often felt fear, anger, or guilt in these moments, reliving the emotions of his past.

Understanding feelings and actions

Fed up with his reactions to non-violent issues Thomas delved into amending his behaviour. After reading the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, Thomas learnt some techniques.

He used to believe his emotions controlled his behaviour, leading to reactions he later regretted. If he felt intense anger during an argument, he might shout or say hurtful things. However, he began to learn from The Happiness Trap that he could choose his actions despite his emotions. By recognising that his mind played a key role in interpreting these feelings, Thomas started to label his emotions and pause before reacting. He practiced responding calmly in heated discussions, even when he felt anger rising.

The struggle switch

Thomas’ constant battle against unpleasant emotions amplified his distress. When he felt sad or anxious, he tried to suppress these feelings, leading to a cycle of negative emotions and thoughts. He learned about the struggle switch, a concept representing our tendency to resist discomfort. Instead of fighting his sadness, Thomas began to accept it as a natural emotion. This acceptance led to ‘clean discomfort’, the natural feeling of sadness, instead of ‘dirty discomfort’, the additional suffering from resisting his emotions. Through this process, Thomas found that turning off the struggle switch reduced his overall distress.

Basic human emotions

Thomas experienced a range of basic human emotions: fear, anger, shock, disgust, sadness, guilt, love, joy and curiosity. His childhood experiences and societal beliefs had taught him to judge these emotions as good or bad. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helped him let go of these judgments. He started to view his emotions as natural and ever-changing sensations. Techniques like diffusion, which involved detaching from unhelpful thoughts, helped him reduce the struggle with his emotions. When Thomas felt fear, he acknowledged it without judgment, breaking the cycle of chronic distress.

Thomas’ journey from misunderstanding his childhood trauma to accepting his emotions illustrates the power of emotional awareness and acceptance. As a child, significant events triggered strong emotional responses, leading to a constant state of turmoil. His fight-or-flight response, once a survival mechanism during bullying, now caused unnecessary stress in everyday situations. By learning to choose his actions despite his emotions, Thomas reduced reactive behaviour. Turning off the struggle switch allowed him to accept his feelings, experiencing clean discomfort instead of amplified distress. Letting go of judgments about his emotions broke the cycle of chronic emotional distress, enabling Thomas to focus on meaningful activities that enhanced his life.

Today, Thomas is a testament to resilience and transformation. Having embraced the ACT principles from The Happiness Trap, he has moved beyond the shadows of his childhood trauma. Now at work instead of attacking or hiding from conflict he communicates with compassion and understanding. Thomas is passionate about sharing his journey and the tools that helped him, often speaking at mental health workshops and writing articles on emotional wellbeing. His once anxious and uptight demeanour has been replaced by a calm and confident presence, and he is dedicated to guiding others toward their own paths of acceptance and emotional freedom.