In Cyprus boys don’t cry

In an increasingly difficult world there is a need for men to get naked emotionally. ELENI PHILIPPOU looks at the development of Men’s Circles

Self-care and emotional connection are seen as an essential part of a balanced, modern life, but stereotypically given more focus by women. So how do men gather meaningfully? Two practitioners on the island are working towards bringing them together. Enter men’s circles.

Yoga teacher Demetri Iouliou noticed he was often the only male in wellness workshops and suggested starting men’s gatherings – spaces where men could gather comfortably. Meanwhile, men’s circles do already exist on the island led by coach Michael Bittner. Yet it remains a challenge to get the men of Cyprus to attend events that talk about feelings and vulnerability but both are determined to push the idea forward.

The saying goes ‘boys don’t cry’ and in macho Cyprus society emotions are rarely expressed. “That’s how we’ve been conditioned,” says Demetri, “pick yourself up, dust yourself down, but to the point of what? Of build-up stress, not knowing how to deal with emotions, anxiety and anger. And this tends to lead to disease and breakdowns.”

Against his background of the female-dominated world of yoga, Demetri’s conversation with a psychologist friend brought about a realisation. “Girls talk, open up to each other about what they’re going through, she told me, whereas guys just suppress, push things down. It’s not a man’s place to show his feelings or open up and show weaknesses. I found a need to create a space such as men’s circles where we would be able to drop our guard.”

He shared his idea online and invited men, but few came. Men’s circles, like women’s, can take many forms. Demetri aims to create a safe space to share and connect using yogic practices like breathing and movement.

“Breathwork calms the nervous system, quietens the mind, and helps to open the fifth chakra which aids expression,” he says. “Men’s circles can go off in many directions – organised mountain hikes, outdoor activities, indoor exercises related to wellbeing or spirituality.” For Demetri, the purpose of these gatherings is to connect, find a place of belonging and realise shared experiences.

There is another storyline about how most men gather. Typically, that means playing sports together, maybe cooking for the family, watching football, it is all about doing and not feeling.

Self-care can look different for everyone but “it has to have a certain depth,” adds Demetri. “If you’re really doing self-care to your core, it starts with the heart, our fourth chakra. That’s where self-care is.” That’s why his men’s events aim to include an element of yoga to balance body, mind and soul.

Meanwhile, Michael, an Austrian who has been on the island for three years, has been running men’s circles through his Rising Men Network both locally and abroad for a while. Initially welcoming both genders, his focus shifted to men and fatherhood inspired by his own troubling experiences.

“There was a point in my life where I felt really low,” he says, “I realised I have to dig deeper, go into my shadows. I felt I had to do something because I couldn’t be the only one who felt like this. But it all started when I was three years old with abuse from my father.”

Honesty is a big part of Michael’s work and it’s evident when you meet him. He doesn’t shy away from tough topics, his language is raw, vulnerable and refreshingly direct. “I think I have to be honest. That’s what men’s work is all about. You have to get naked emotionally.

“This whole story of not being enough, I was the master of it. The people around me, society, were challenging me and I began questioning what the hell a ‘real man’ was.”

In Austria, Michael’s circles reached even prisoners, but in Cyprus, it proved more challenging. He initially hosted events for German speakers in Larnaca, but attendance was inconsistent. Men were intrigued but didn’t follow through.

“I’d tell them: ‘These circles are about empowerment, getting rid of this old narrative of never being enough and to heal and have healthy relationships for the future’. But they were not ready to do the work.”

He persisted, and a handful of men attended. His largest circle in Cyprus was at the Mind, Body & Spirit Festival last year, attracting both locals and foreigners. His circles include diverse practices like movement, sound meditation, shadow work, Viking rhythms, humour, sharing, vulnerability and live music.”

For Michael, these circles are all about “the truth of the heart. We’re in the 21st century, we have the responsibility to rise. That’s where the name Rising Men comes from.” Part of Michael’s mission is to empower what he calls “the fathers of a new generation” – men who confront both their darkness and light to have healthy, balanced relationships. And do today’s men need empowerment?

“I definitely think men need empowerment, too,” Michael says. “But it means something different. The word empowerment is a different kind of empowerment than women need.” Demetris too believes that in some ways, today’s men need support. Not to feed toxic masculinity but to encourage emotional growth and connection. He plans to start classes and events for men at a new yoga venue in old Nicosia. Michael has an upcoming men’s circle on June 8 as part of the Light Works Festival 2024 in Larnaca.

“See what happens because community is medicine,” says Michael, and everyone needs a place to belong.

Find Demetri’s wellness classes at www.demetriiouliou.yoga and Michael’s men’s work at www.risingmen.net