Relationship keys: avoiding the most common argument patterns

In this video, therapist, author, speaker and relationships thought leader, Esther Perel, identifies the most common patterns that couples fall into when they fight, so as to give them a wide berth.

First of all, she advises each party to avoid assigning their own, subjective degree of significance – i.e. how big or small – to a grievance or wound expressed.

She also cautions again the pitfall of confirmation bias in fights – i.e. honing in on only those facts that seem to support a point of view, while ignoring anything that may contradict it.

Yet another potential trap to fall into is for the aggrieved party to believe their own shortcomings to be circumstantial, while those of the other arise from an inherent character flaw.

The best thing during fights, she counsels, is for the angry party to frame their grievance as how they are feeling at the time, and for the ‘offending’ party to offer empathy for the feelings expressed, without challenging the angered point of view view, head-on.

View the original video here.

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