A new announcement by Special Representative Colon Straightup of Ununited Nations Farce Institute of Cyprus (UNFICYP)

By Fahri Zihni

Cypriots have a proud history of extraordinary théâtre de la farce acting performances and a star line-up of outstanding farceurs, going back decades to the 1960s.

Anyone who has ever come into contact with Cypriots has never failed to acknowledge their unique creative talent to turn any mission into a brilliant theatrical farce. Over time, they have gained international acclaim with memorable double-act performances such as those by Musthave Akimchi and his opposite number Nicos Antithesis, which won them the prestigious Crans-Montana 2017 Best International Farce Actors Award for an extraordinary performance of “The Importance of Not Being Earnest”.

I am now thrilled to announce the long-awaited arrival of our super-special star Aria Cuéllar who will shortly be in Cyprus to lead our new show entitled “Cuenderellar”, a re-imagined Cypriot adaptation of the traditional Cinderella story and pantomime.

In this version, the beautiful Cuenderellar has grown weary of her two hateful and ugly stepsisters, bickering and fighting with each other ever since they were babies. She makes it her mission to reconcile their differences once and for all. She does, however, forlornly wonder if this is not an impossible task to fulfil.

But one night, her fairy godmother appears and tells her that she has seen her weep over this heartache and offers to help. The fairy godmother gives Cuenderellar two magic slippers which have the power to solve the problem. If Cuenderellar can persuade both her sisters to wear each slipper at the same time, they will magically kiss and make up and live happily together for ever more.

I won’t say anything more aboot the plot, and what happens at the end, but I offer no prizes for your guesses!

Thanks to the generosity of our sponsors, the Farcical Institutes of Greece and Cyprus, we have millions of euros that even exceed our alcohol budgets! For that reason, I am happy to announce that the entrance tickets and all drinks from the bar will be free to anyone who wants to kill themselves laughing (or drinking).

Production notes

The co-stars of the new production will be the two lead farceurs, Sonic Christofoolides and Resin Tartar as the ugly sisters.

Christofoolides said he had been desperate to bring the special star Aria Cuéllar to Cyprus, because it takes three to tango, and who better than a Latin American to lead the dance?

He was upbeat about his new role. “I have been a method actor all my life and this is no different. Acting out the life of another person for a particular role comes naturally to me. For example, I love attending events where there is limitless food and drink, and I can do this three to four times a day without any problem and exercise my method acting on each group. You will see me with stubble with teenagers, or a beard with the church, or clean shaven with the ladies’ events. Sometimes, when I need to look cool, I will put on a pair of Ray-Ban glasses, even when it’s dark. My wife says she doesn’t like my constant method acting and I must stop (except when I do Bradlou Pittas when we are alone).”

Sonic Christofoolides is openly critical of the script. He insists that it was ridiculous that there should be two magic slippers, one for each sister to wear.

“If the moral of the story is about unity and togetherness, there should surely be only one magic slipper that my and Resin’s feet should fit into, no matter how difficult this may prove. Only last weekend I attended a school fete and there were lots of people running a three-legged-race, with two middle legs tied together without any trouble,” he said.

The “Northern Star” Resin Tartar who is playing the second ugly sister, amazingly, also said “I have been a method actor all my life and this is no different. Acting out the life of another person for a particular role comes naturally to me. For example, I love attending events where there is lots of food and drink, and I can do this acting out three to four times a day without any problem.”

“I think everyone loves me, and on a given day, I consider it a failure if I get less than 5,000 photos, 20 videos, and 1 hour 30 minutes of BRT TV time with lots of lovely people.”

In relation to “Cuenderella”, Tartar insists that he is simply not prepared to consider anything other than the two-slipper solution.

“My foot is smaller than Sonic’s, and there is no way my foot will fit properly into one slipper,” he said. “His big foot will end up squashing mine. In any case, I wash my feet before my prayers and he doesn’t, and I am not placing my foot in his dirty slippers.”

Superstar Aria Cuéllar was unavailable for comment, but her agent said: “what tipped the balance for Aria coming to Cyprus was her passion for the Turkish Cypriot ekmek kadeyifi, which is perfect with a Colombian cup of coffee in the mornings.”

“Cuenderellar” will be performed at the Leaders Palace, opposite the Association for Historical Diatribe and Rhetoric (AHDR) at the Home for Confrontation, Nicosia. The performance will run from 20 January 2024 to 20 January 2084.

Fahri Zihni is former chair of Council of Turkish Cypriot Associations (UK), a former policy advisor at the UK’s Cabinet Office and a former president of Society of IT Management, UK