Men, women, and different operating states

Have you ever wondered why men and women can live in the same house, see the same things, and yet seem to exist on completely different wavelengths? It’s not just personality. It’s biology.

You could say we all come equipped with two ‘operating systems.’

For women, both systems are alive and active – and which one is running determines everything: what feels safe, what feels stressful, what feels meaningful.

Until a woman feels safe, you’ll never see the best of her. But what makes her feel safe depends entirely on which mode she’s in. That’s why women can sometimes seem like a moving target – not because they’re inconsistent, but because their inner state keeps shifting between two powerful systems: hunting mode and gathering mode.

Hunting mode: laser focus

Hunting mode is all about results. Think of the ancient hunter: if he didn’t bring home the deer, the tribe didn’t eat. So, the brain evolved to lock onto one goal and screen out everything else.

That’s what testosterone does – it fuels single focus. Men naturally have 15-30 per cent more testosterone, which means this mode comes easily to them. It’s why men can get completely absorbed in one task, one project, one game – and genuinely not notice anything else going on around them.

When someone in hunting mode says they “didn’t see it,” they’re not lying. Their brain literally filtered it out. Socks on the floor, trash by the door – invisible. It’s not a choice; it’s biology.

And the same goes for listening. Hunters don’t “tune people out” on purpose – their brain does it automatically. It’s not personal; it’s neurological.

Now here’s the twist: in modern life, women spend a huge portion of their time in hunting mode too. They’re managing work, chasing goals, and running households – but doing it all with 30 per cent less fuel (testosterone) than men have. No wonder so many women feel constantly exhausted. They’re running a high-performance engine on low octane.

Gathering mode: wide-open awareness

Then there’s the other side – the gathering mode. This one runs on a completely different system. Instead of laser focus, it’s all about diffuse awareness.

Imagine a gatherer moving through a meadow – scanning for berries, herbs and signs of danger while also keeping an eye on her children. Her brain takes in everything at once: sounds, smells, movements, emotions.

In gathering mode, everything is relevant. The trash doesn’t just sit there – it calls to her. The pile of laundry, the tone in her partner’s voice, the energy in the room – it all registers. The environment ‘talks’ to her.

That’s why women can notice the smallest details and read emotional states so accurately. But it also means they can get overwhelmed quickly. When everything matters, it’s hard to rest.

Why we misunderstand each other

The trouble starts when these two systems collide.

The hunter assumes the gatherer is making choices – “She’s choosing to be distracted.” But the gatherer isn’t choosing; she’s being pulled by everything her brain deems important.

Meanwhile, the gatherer thinks the hunter is ignoring her. But he’s not – his brain has simply gone into tunnel vision.

When we understand that these differences aren’t moral flaws or emotional failures, but different operating systems, everything changes. Suddenly, it’s not “he doesn’t care” or “she’s too emotional” – it’s just biology doing its thing.

Modern life and the burnout problem

Here’s the big issue: our modern world rewards hunting mode. Focus, goals, deadlines, performance – we’re all living like hunters.

But when women live in hunting mode too long, they burn out. Their bodies weren’t designed to run on constant focus without enough recovery time.

Men, on the other hand, often get stuck in hunting mode because that’s where they feel purpose and control. When they can’t test or conquer anything – even in small ways – frustration builds. That’s why video games are so addictive: they give the brain that satisfying sense of tracking, winning, conquering.

Both sexes end up drained – one from overstimulation, the other from lack of renewal.

The secret to balance

Here’s the good news: once you know these two systems exist, you can work with them instead of fighting them.

Hunters need transition time – space to shift gears before re-engaging socially or emotionally.

Gatherers need zoning-out time – moments of quiet where their wide awareness can settle.

When we respect these needs, everything gets easier. Communication improves. Frustration drops. Connection deepens.

It’s not about turning men into gatherers or women into hunters – it’s about understanding when each mode is running and adjusting with compassion.

Every one of us has both systems inside – the focused hunter and the aware gatherer. They’re not enemies; they’re partners.

The magic happens when we learn to switch between them gracefully, when we stop expecting others to operate like we do, and when we create safety – the key that unlocks the best in all of us.

Understanding these two operating states isn’t just relationship wisdom. It’s human wisdom.