A tactic to gain power and control

By Dr Vasilios Silivistris

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation in which one person makes another doubt their perception, memory or sanity. The term comes from the film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife by secretly dimming gas lamps and insisting nothing has changed.

In psychology, gaslighting is a tactic to gain power and control. It occurs in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, politics, and social groups. Though often linked to abusive partners, narcissists, dictators and cult leaders, anyone can experience it. Gaslighting works by exploiting normal human needs for stability, reassurance and trust.

People who engage in gaslighting often have what psychologists describe as an ego-syntonic outlook. This means they view their behaviour as justified and consistent with their own beliefs about themselves. They tend to think in absolute terms, believing they are completely right while others are entirely wrong. Because of this mindset, they rarely accept responsibility for problems and instead shift the blame onto others.

One of the most dangerous aspects of gaslighting is that it usually develops slowly. It rarely begins with obvious manipulation. Instead, it often starts with small lies, dismissive remarks or subtle criticisms that appear insignificant at the time. Over weeks or months, these incidents accumulate, gradually weakening the victim’s confidence in their own judgement.

Gaslighters frequently rely on several recognisable tactics. One of the most common is telling blatant lies while appearing completely confident. Even when the victim knows the statement is untrue, repeated exposure to such behaviour can create confusion and self-doubt.

Another typical tactic is denying previous statements or actions. A gaslighter may insist they never said or did something, even when the other person clearly remembers it or has evidence to support their claim. This repeated denial can cause victims to question their own memory and eventually accept the manipulator’s version of events.

Gaslighters also tend to target personal vulnerabilities. They may criticise aspects of a person’s identity, values, family life or achievements. By undermining these important parts of someone’s life, they weaken the victim’s self-esteem and emotional stability.

A particularly confusing element of gaslighting is the contradiction between words and actions. Gaslighters may speak in reassuring or affectionate ways while behaving in a dismissive, hostile or controlling manner. Paying attention to actions rather than promises often reveals the true nature of the behaviour.

Another common strategy involves alternating criticism with praise. After a period of belittling comments, the gaslighter may suddenly offer compliments or approval. This mixture of negative and positive reinforcement can leave the victim feeling uncertain and emotionally dependent on the manipulator for validation.

Confusion itself is often the main objective. Gaslighters deliberately create an atmosphere in which facts and events are constantly questioned. When people feel uncertain about their understanding of reality, they may begin to rely on the person who appears most confident, even if that individual is responsible for creating the confusion in the first place.

Projection is another frequently used tactic. Gaslighters often accuse others of behaviour they themselves are guilty of, such as dishonesty, manipulation or infidelity. This forces the victim to defend themselves and diverts attention away from the gaslighter’s own conduct.

Isolation also plays an important role. A gaslighter may claim that friends, family members or colleagues share their negative views about the victim. Statements such as “everyone agrees with me about you” are designed to weaken the victim’s support network. In some cases, the manipulator may also insist that outside sources of information cannot be trusted, leaving the victim increasingly dependent on the gaslighter for reassurance and guidance.

The long-term psychological effects of gaslighting can be severe. Victims may begin to doubt their own perceptions, become anxious about making decisions, or constantly question their thoughts and feelings. Over time, this loss of confidence can lead to emotional distress, social withdrawal and, in some cases, depression.

Gaslighting is particularly harmful because it undermines a person’s basic sense of reality. When someone is repeatedly told that their memories or perceptions are incorrect, they may begin to believe they cannot trust their own mind.

Recognising gaslighting is the first step towards reducing its impact. Once people become aware of the pattern of manipulation, it becomes easier to question the gaslighter’s claims rather than internalising them.

It is also important to remember that gaslighting is not about the victim’s shortcomings. Instead, it reflects the manipulator’s desire for control and their inability to deal with conflict in a healthy and honest way.

Maintaining strong connections with trusted friends, family members, or colleagues can help counter the isolating effects of gaslighting. Talking to others who witnessed the same events can help restore confidence in one’s own understanding of reality.

Keeping a personal record of incidents may also help when a manipulator later denies events that have occurred. Writing things down can provide clarity and reassurance.

In some situations, creating distance from the gaslighter may be necessary. Professional counselling can also help individuals rebuild confidence and recover from the psychological effects of prolonged manipulation.

Understanding gaslighting is essential because recognising it is often the first step in breaking its power.

Dr Vasilios Silivistris (Vasos) is a psychotherapist, counselling practitioner psychotherapycounselling.uk