Leading Valentine’s Day fails!

On a day that’s all about love, there are people (and places) that get it tragically wrong. Alix Norman looks at the darker side of Valentine’s Day

You know the boring stuff: Valentine’s Day was originally a pagan fertility rite, St Valentine was martyred (twice, apparently), and Shakespeare romanticised the whole caboodle in his writing. But there’s a lot to Valentine’s Day that would probably shock you, including the countries that will toss you in jail for wearing red, the cruel way Victorians dissuaded over-eager suitors, and the annual February Facebook fallout…

NON-VALENTINES
In Victorian England, ‘Vinegar Valentines’, were once a popular if mean-spirited trend. Cynical, sarcastic, and often malicious in tone, these cards were intended to deride and dissuade potential suitors, and included verses that insulted the recipient’s looks, intelligence or occupation. The doggerel (usually accompanied by a caricatured illustration) often prompted a flurry of follow-ups, a fashion that surged from the late 19th to the early 20th centuries. More than one heart was wounded by the sentiments contained therein:
‘Everyone says you’re an ass / And other donkeys quite surpass’ ran one ode.

Another popular iteration suggested in no uncertain terms that love was not reciprocated: ‘Why maiden why, are you so very shy? / Pray don’t imagine for a moment I / Am on the point of making love to you / For you are much mistaken if you do!’

LOVE AND THE LAW
Today, Valentine’s Day – or at least overt celebrations of the festivity – are banned in certain countries. For the most part, the reasoning revolves around religion: strongly Islamic nations tend to frown on fêting February 14. Iran, for instance, passed a law in 2011 that stated ‘Symbols of hearts, half-hearts, red roses, and any activities promoting this day are banned,’ while state media suggested that ‘authorities will take legal action against those who ignore the ban.’

Malaysia, in which Muslims make up two thirds of the population, also prohibits celebrations. In the past, the local Islamic morality police have even gone so far as to stage Valentine’s Day hotel raids in which unmarried couples found sharing a room have been detained. Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia, religious police are on the lookout for public displays of affection mid-February, and keep a particularly close eye on anyone wearing red. On V Day 2014, it was reported that five local men were sentenced to a total of 39 years in prison and 4,500 lashes for dancing with ladies to whom they were entirely unrelated. Apparently alcohol and red roses were also seized!

TYING (AND UNTYING) THE KNOT
Engagements are big business this month – across the world, Valentine’s Day is the most popular holiday to get down on one knee. According to one study, 43 per cent of millennials choose February 14 to propose (who said romance – and conformity – was dead?!). But in 2013, when a Michigan-based lawyer ran a Valentine’s Day promotion, giving away free divorces, thousands applied…

Avvo Inc, an online legal directory and Q&A forum, reports that requests for information on divorce surge 40 per cent in the first half of February – something they refer to as the ’Valentine’s Effect’. Nearly 70 per cent of the queries come from women, a fact the directory explains with the suggestion that V Day is a “high expectation holiday”!

Generation Z, it transpires, prefer to profess their love digitally. The Facebook page status change is the go-to move: the social media titan reports that nearly two million users change their status to ‘In A Relationship’ during the most amorous week of the year, while breakup figures take a dive. February 13 is, however, dubbed ‘National Breakup Day’. In a survey of thousands of users, online dating giant OKCupid found that 59 per cent said that if they broke up with their partner, they would do so just before Valentine’s Day. The reason? Parsimony – singles aren’t expected to buy expensive gifts!

TRAGIC ADS
Roses, chocolates, and teddy bears are the gold standard for uninspired lovers at this time of year. But passion is personal – and it’s easy to get it wrong. While edible lingerie, anything oversized, and home appliances are on most ladies’ ‘Please Don’t’ list, they pale in comparison to some companies’ sentimental suggestions.

In 2019, an ad released by the Bronx Zoo suggested the perfect gift would be naming a cockroach after your loved one. Then there was the Pizza Hut flyer that offered a $10,000 ‘Tie The Knot’ package (complete with red ruby ring, limo service, and $10 meal deal). And an infamous (and risqué) Subway hoarding that advocated one could ‘Satisfy Your Lover With A Footlong’!

Love is big business for advertisers come February 14, with everyone from funeral homes (‘If you had no idea what to get her for Valentine’s Day, imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral would be’ one vintage newspaper ad proposes) to online saving sites (‘Gas Relief Pills down to 99 cents for Valentine’s Day!’ announces a budget retail outlet) attempting to cash in on the commerciality of celebrations.

WORST GIFT FAILS
But the worst gifts – according to Reddit users, anyway – are those which not only miss the mark but also the recipient. “I once got a dozen roses with a heartfelt love note signed ‘to my one true love, Martine’,” writes one outraged woman. “My name is not Martine.”

Gift fails aren’t limited to just the one sex. “She gave me a bottle of her ex-boyfriend’s favourite cologne,” says an outraged young man. “And in the card, she wrote ‘please wear this for me on Valentine’s Day’. I ghosted her.”

Quite possibly the worst gift of all is the one that’s never received. “I found a gorgeous sapphire ring in his suit pocket,” writes one snooping wife. “But come February 14, he just gave me the usual roses. Then, that evening, at his office Valentine’s party, there was the ring – on his secretary’s engagement finger! I haven’t said anything yet,” she adds. “I’m hoping his Easter present – a divorce petition from my lawyers – catches him equally off guard!”