How not to lose your virginity in Cyprus

An upcoming play in English features stripping, silk undies, and stacks of suggestion. But, asks Alix Norman, will we get to see any sex?

A few years ago, a scientific study on Sex in Cyprus was released. The survey, which looked primarily at university students, seemed to prove that everyone under the age of 30 was making whoopee on the regular: over 12 months, 90 per cent of male respondents said they’d enjoyed regular sexual encounters, with five per cent even claiming to have had in excess of 10 different partners!

The study’s authors, however, were quick to note a large number of discrepancies in the data. ‘Overestimation for males and underestimation for females cannot be excluded. Society,’ they suggest, ‘encourages men to brag about their sexual conquests.’

“I think this is true everywhere, not just in Cyprus,” says John Williamson. “We men do tend to exaggerate our sexual prowess; especially in our younger, more insecure years. In a society that thrives on comparison, men often absorb the idea that the more sex they appear to have, the more masculine they are,” he laughs. “And that any man who’s a virgin over the age of 20 is a total loser. You can certainly see why Draycott Harris gets himself in such a pickle!”

Draycott is the main character in The Mating Game, a comedy soon to be staged by the Anglo Cypriot Theatre. John is the director.

“Our protagonist has the reputation of being a total Don Juan; a lothario; a skirt-chasing philanderer,” laughs John. “He’s a well-known TV star and a purported playboy – the press would have us believe there’s a different woman every night. And yet,” he adds, “it’s all smoke and mirrors. For, try as he might, 35-year-old Draycott is still a virgin!

“You’ve got to wonder how many others share his desperation in real life,” John continues. “I bet we all know a few young gentlemen who are exaggerating the number and frequency of their sexual encounters! But in Draycott’s case, it’s hardly for lack of interest – with his reputation as a TV star and his natural good looks, the women are flocking. But the act of consummation consistently eludes him…”

What follows is a hilarious farce; a comedic romp of the first order. “There’s stripping. There’s silk undies. There’s stacks of suggestion,” says John. “But what there isn’t, try as Draycott might, is sex. Every time he attempts to seal the deal, something dreadful happens…”

Whether it’s overindulgence in alcohol, an unexpected visit from his brother, or an accident in the dark, each time Draycott gets close to coitus, something goes hilariously wrong! “At one point, our protagonist employs a prostitute,” John reveals. “Unfortunately, this lady of the night has a penchant for watching telly while carrying out her duties – and Draycott can’t quite make things happen when his own face is staring out of the screen.

“At another, he tries it on with his cleaner, a typical Mrs Mop. She pulls out all the stops – even adding a feather boa to her floral pinny. But it all goes awry when his PR girl shows up and assumes there’s an orgy in the offing! And so, at the age of 35, Draycott’s virginity continues to remain intact!”

Recent studies have suggested that most people lose their virginity between the ages of 16 and 20. Iceland is quickest off the block, at an average age of 15.6 years. The Scandinavian countries follow, with Denmark, Sweden, Norway and Finland next in line (could it be those long cold winters?). Turkey and Greece clock in at 17.8 and 18.1 years respectively, while Russia averages an age of 18.7. Meanwhile, in the Cyprus study, almost 20 per cent of those surveyed said they’d lost their virginity before the age of 15. Which, if true, would put the island well into first place – and a good 20 years ahead of poor Draycott!

“The data feels a little spurious, isn’t it?” says John. “You kind of get the feeling that a lot of people – especially men – are lying their heads off! And none more so than our poor Draycott. As a TV star, he’s seen with the rich and famous on a daily basis, and is thus perceived as a man about town. But in reality, he’s quite shy: he’s a sheep in wolf’s clothing; a book that’s been judged by its cover – something that has happened far too often throughout history…”

The Mating Game was first staged in the early 70s, where it enjoyed a long run in the West End and was described as ‘Bright, frothy, knockabout nonsense’ by the Daily Mirror. It then went on to enjoy various tours around the UK, including a rendition in which John himself (a professional actor who’s featured in everything from Tenko to Taggart, and is a veteran of the West End) played a lead character, alongside Terry Scott and Barbara Windsor.

“Of course the play has been very much updated since then,” explains John. “When I contacted the playwright, Robin Hawdon, to suggest we stage it here in Cyprus, he got back to me instantly – sending off his very latest revision.”

Working from the updated script, the current cast (which includes Anthony Ashiotis, Carter Wilbur, Ariadne Andreou, Samantha Rudloff, and Jill McDonald) is now all set for this newly riotous rendition of the classic farce. “It’s a high energy performance: very quick, super witty, and littered with nuance,” says John. “And I suspect it also has just a hint of a message for the modern-day man – for the young chaps who reckon they’ll up their stock by claiming to be sexual viragos…

“Because, in Draycott’s desperation, there’s a certain sadness. On the surface, he appears to have everything: he’s on the telly six nights a week, invited to all the best events, surrounded by gorgeous women. He’s got the car and the house, the money and the clothes. And yet,” John concludes, “he’s missing the one thing he desires the most. And I don’t think that’s lust. Perhaps it’s love.”

The Mating Game will be staged at the Dionysos Theatre on 28 April 28, 29, and 30. Tickets cost €15 and are available from 99 417315